what shall I speak of you/what could I say, that would not erupt deafened

It’s time now to be brave and post a few thoughts of my own here.

A little more than two months ago, my father shattered his pelvis in a freak horseback riding accident. When I texted him to say, “Hi,” and found out he was currently being airlifted to a hospital in Arizona for then unexplained reasons, this was my thought:

My father is dying again.

I’ve seen him die once. Heart-attack, splattered naked on the floor, my mother screaming. Usually memories record sounds in traumatic events as semi-silent. Not these. These screams I still feel.

He says now that never happened. He says now that he doesn’t have a drinking problem, doesn’t have depression. His greatest strength is denial. Recently, I’ve recognized the same power within myself, something I’ve evaded for years. Knock knock, on wood. He used to tell me. Every time I wanted something to go right.

Left my friends and lover in Philadelphia to take care of him, here, in rural Michigan.

Weeks and weeks. Walkers. Wheelchairs. Early scraping mornings. Watching his ex-corporate exec girlfriend smush her hulking body against his incisions. Bleed, stuff, swallow.

He never thanked me. He never to meant to thank me for helping him. It didn’t occur to him. It didn’t seem logical, necessary. My father is an artist, and I love him for that, but now he seems more dead to me than ever. I would analyze it further, but I can’t pretend to know him.

What I do know is that living with a man who chases me down into the basement and yells with angry gestures about anything he can at me, every moment no one’s watching – that’s how they do it, those who abuse,  they abuse in secrecy, for secrecy is paramount to success – it makes me afraid to move. To make the slightest sound. To speak. To tap my fingers against the keyboard.

On Facebook, I post:

“My Dad is recovering amazingly, and I don’t think it could have gone so well if I hadn’t made the trip out here or without the incredible help of [his girlfriend, name omitted for privacy.]”

On TV, he watches:

“Enjoy delicious chicken-flavored steak.”